Give Me Space!

By Karen Sherman, Ph.D.

hitchedmag.com

Updated: Feb 3, 2008

Question:I'm in a great relationship with a great woman, but I need some space. Do you have any advice?

Answer: The situation you raise is a case of good news and bad news. First the bad news: this is probably one of the most typical scenarios between couples, and most men get really frustrated, just like you. And now the good news: there is a way to understand what's happening and turn things around.

You might be surprised to know this type of "dance" -- guys needing space, and their partner coming after them -- is really a biological gender issue. That's right, she's not just being a pest (and I might add to women, your man is not just tuning you out).

New research has found that women are designed to react more emotionally. Men, on the other hand, will have a negative response to too much stimulation. Starting to see where this is going? A woman gets upset, she reacts emotionally, it's too much stimulation for the man, he does something to create space, she feels he's pulling away and goes after him, which only provokes his need for more space. And so on and so on.

By not understanding the other gender, each person is creating his/her own interpretation from his/her perspective. So, to a man, it feels like a woman just won't leave him alone -- but he's not leaving her, he's just creating some breathing room. A woman, feeling far more comfortable with emotions and closeness, attributes a man's desire for space as his not caring or pulling away from her. Therefore, she makes various gestures in an attempt to reconnect.

So, how do you handle this endless cycle?
1. Understand that the genders are truly different in their styles, and the actions taken are not intentionally meant to hurt the other.

2. Men: When you need to take some space, let your wife know that you are merely taking a "time-out" for a little while.

3. Women: Allow your man to have some breathing room. Don't assume his leave-taking is anything more than temporary.

4. Men: Women are verbal creatures. They like to hear words of reassurance.

5. Women: Don't just tell him you're sorry. Men like actions, not words. Don't follow him around the house and you'll see how much sooner he returns.

6. Men: Be willing to listen to your partner. When a woman feels "heard," she has less of a need to go on and on.

7. Women: When speaking to a man, make your point directly and speak briefly, since he doesn't feel comfortable with too much stimulation.

Why Men Don't Talk

By David Zinczenko
Yahoo: Posted Mon, Dec 17, 2007, 9:32 am PST

As the editor of the biggest men's magazine in the world, I am privy to something many women rarely hear - straightforward, uninhibited guy talk.

Don't be so shocked - guys do actually talk, and not just about Tom Brady's quarterback rating. Most women think their man is the strong, silent type (or maybe the oblivious, silent type), and they wonder why he doesn't share his feelings.

But here's the truth: Men do want to open up, about their hopes, their fears, and their passions. Yet put him alone in a room with you, and he often turns into a Sphinx. Why can't he take his eyes off the TV and talk about the state of the relationship, or the finances, or, heck, the backyard landscaping? Why in the world can't he just summarize his day for 10 minutes?

In fact, one in five women say that they typically fight about a man's lack of verbal interaction, and 30 percent of men say their failure to communicate is the source of major conflict in the relationship. Why is it this way?

Here's one answer: Because even men who have feelings to share don't always feel comfortable sharing them with their partner. These are some of the reasons why some men often prefer to zip it, rather than delivering the goods:

Guys Are A Little Intimidated

No question, women are expert communicators. They throw questions like Oprah after her third cup of coffee; they're connecting on all cylinders. And like the divine Ms. W, women bring a lot of skill to their game: A special awareness of the people-scape around them, a keen set of emotions keyed to that awareness, and a rich vocabulary they use to talk about anything at anytime.

And they're always practicing their Q&A skills on their many friends, so they're in top talk mode all the time. Men know this. And they also know that more than one-third of women say that men simply can't relate and don't understand women. The result: Men are afraid of saying too much, because saying the wrong thing may get them into more trouble than Lindsay Lohan as a designated driver.

Guys Need To Decompress

Woman's view: When a man walks in the door, he ought to cough up some of the details about his day. After all, it's been 10 hours since they've communicated, not counting the two IMs, three voice mails, and one actual mid-day conversation.

Man's view: Can I please make a beeline to the bathroom? When men reach home, it's like those ultra-marathoners staggering across the finish line in Death Valley. The last thing they want to do is discuss how bright the sunlight was, and how scarce the water stops were.

Further up on his want-to-do list after arriving home: 14 percent of men want to check email, 12 percent are looking for a little private time in the bathroom, and 10 percent simply want to eat dinner. The common theme here: After they've spent a day serving the needs of others, they want to take care of themselves a little.

So when a man is hit with a demand for conversation so closely after returning from the stressful environment of work, he has only one gear left to shift into, and sometimes it's reverse. He's retreat, retreat, retreat.

Guys Are More Comfortable With Actions Than Feelings

Rather than talking about how he "feels," often a man would rather express his love by changing her oil, or bringing home a flower, or relinquishing control of the remote.

And when men do talk, they'd prefer to talk about actions rather than emotions. For instance, a lot of guys would choose to express their long-range faith in a relationship by talking about next summer's vacation plans, not by launching into a soliloquy about undying love.

Both conversations can mean the same thing (that he plans on sticking around); he just prefers to say it with plane tickets, rather than poetry. It's one of the reasons men are more comfortable talking at work (the practical universe) than they are at home (the castle that emotion built). But you can bring out his great communicator by making him feel more like he's operating in work mode, even when the topic at hand is your love life. Here's an incredible article, "The Home Office," that shows how he can use his best office skills for great success at home.

Guys Don't Want To Be Put On The Spot
When men talk less and women want more, the scenario can escalate. Like when the bad cop is pummeling the reluctant witness, more silence equals more questions. A full 65 percent of men we surveyed recently told us they don't want their partners to ask them more questions about themselves.

It's clear that some men are just plain tired of feeling like they're on the witness stand. They're not necessarily hiding anything; many guys simply prefer not to have to relate confusing feelings that they may not even understand themselves.

An age-old tactic can make things better: Back off a little, give him room to operate in a conversation, and he's more likely to open up. To find out if his lack of communication really does mean that your relationship needs a tune up, take this quick quiz.

Is She Attracted to Me?

All the signs are there -- if you know how to read them

By David Wygant Sepcial to Yahoo!

Personals Updated: Nov 20, 2007

I get so many emails from men asking me this question: "How do I know if she is attracted to me on date?"

This a great question, and knowing the answer will make going in for that kiss become her idea and not yours. That's right, guys -- the first kiss has to be her idea. She has to want it and desire it, and learning what her body language is saying is key to the first kiss and knowing if she is attracted to you.

When you are out on a date, sit across from her at a table, or if you are about to sit in a booth, let her sit down first and see where she invites you to sit. Some women will invite you to sit right down next to them in the booth and some will not. If she invites you to sit down next to her, she is telling you that she has an initial attraction to you.

Be a listener, not a talker

The first step to making the date a true success is to listen to what she is saying. Pay attention to the details, and react to what she has to say. That does not mean that you can't share a story or two about yourself, but the best dates are the ones where you're in a listening and reacting mode rather than a talking and bragging mode.

Of course, she wants to hear about who you are and what you are all about. She does not want to hear you brag about how much money you have or how successful you are. She also does not want to know about your negative dating history.

She wants to know about what you have learned in life to this point.
She wants to see how positive a person you are, and she wants to imagine being able to hang out with you.

How to read body language cues

Now what type of body language should you be looking for when you're sitting across from her at that table?

Pay attention to her eyes. One sign of attraction is when her eyes are open really wide, and her pupils are enlarged when you are talking or when she is talking to you.

Another sign of attraction is that when you are speaking, she will lean her body into you and literally be drawn in with your words. She will not get up and go to the bathroom. She will sit there and not want to miss a single second of the date:

- She will not look at her watch.
- She will not look around the room.
- She will be totally fixated on you the whole time.
- She will play with her hair and lick her lips before she moves towards you, because she is creating a sexual feeling inside her.
- She will reach her hand across the table and glance at yours.
- She will touch your shoulder or another part of you very casually.
- When she is speaking, she will touch her leg or her face, imagining it was you who was touching her.

There are many others, but these are a few good ones to get you started.
Keep in mind that what she is doing and communicating with her body is on a subconscious level. She is not aware of what she is doing, and that is what makes this so powerful.

One last thing: How do you know after all of this that she wants the kiss?
She wants the kiss if, when you walk her to the car, she lingers and keeps talking and looking at you. What you do then is go in, move towards her lips, and see what she does. Then pull to the side and give her a hug. This will create tension. If she then talks more, look at her, touch her face and move in for the kiss.

10 Turnoffs that Make Great Gals Wave Goodbye

By Jeff Cohen Special to Yahoo!

Personals Updated: Nov 20, 2007

Most guys know from the get-go whether or not they see potential in a woman. There's that inner voice that tells you this is someone worth pursuing.

When the first date ends, you're not even thinking about playing games. You know you want a second date. You wait your standard two days, call to set up that date and get the dreaded voicemail.

You leave a heartfelt message, but after three days it becomes clear this great gal is not calling you back. Where did you go wrong?
Were you the only one feeling sparks over lattes?

Top 10 turnoffs for women
Maybe the answer is to learn the top 10 turnoffs that make great gals wave goodbye. If any of these fictional guys sound like you, it's time to change your approach.

Great Gal Turnoff #1: Showboat Sammy
Maybe he owns a yacht off the coast of France. Maybe he has a timeshare in the Hamptons. Maybe his annual bonus is bigger than most guys' salaries. That's all well and good, but does it really need to be divulged on the first date?

Great Gal Turnoff #2: Messy Melvin
A-list celebrities can pull off the unkempt look. First-daters need to pay attention to shaving, clothing and bad breath. If the guy can't even put in the effort for a first impression, it doesn't bode well down the road.

Great Gal Turnoff #3: Rude Ricky
"Where's our drinks, lady?" If a guy treats the service staff with a lack of respect, a great gal will likely assume he'll do the same to her someday.
The last thing anyone wants is to be talked down to or disrespected.

Great Gal Turnoff #4: Cheapie Charlie
There will always be debate about who should pay on a first date. Some guys are traditionalists and want to foot the bill; others expect a 50-50 monetary split. In most cases, offering to pay is the way to go. Let her pick up the tab on a future date.

Great Gal Turnoff #5: Still-Married Michael
Marriage, separation and divorce are pretty cut-and-dry terms. If a guy says he's separated when he really means he's cheating on his wife, it's going to cause trouble. Be honest from the get-go and let the dating chips fall where they may.

Great Gal Turnoff #6: Hands-On Howie
Guys need to read the signals before assuming hand holding, massaging and other touchy-feely activities have the green light.
Jumping too quickly to any form of intimacy can make any guy seem too aggressive.

Great Gal Turnoff #7: Stereotyping Stephen
"Oh, you're one of those types of women." Jumping to conclusions about a date from the way she answers one or two questions is a definite mistake. Let the date unfold before making assumptions about someone you just met.

Great Gal Turnoff #8: Distracted David
His cell phone is ringing constantly, he's popping away from the table every 10 minutes, and he keeps interrupting the conversation flow. First dates require focused attention -- that means putting the phone on vibrate, making eye contact and being present.

Great Gal Turnoff #9: All-Business Barry
Some guys are great salesmen or outstanding negotiators. But there's a time and place for business and a time and place for leisure. Guys who treat first dates like business transactions will never close the deal.

Great Gal Turnoff #10: Nervous Ned
He can't sit still, he's banging his fork on the table, and he won't make eye contact for more than three seconds. Nervous antics are a real turnoff and make a great gal think a guy has something to hide. Work out the nervous kinks before the date starts.

How to Know If a Girl Likes You

Below, I will tell you 10 things on how to know if someone likes you. This information is based on my personal experiences and a little bit of research. If you like a girl and don't know if they like you back, then read below.

1. Watch the way she looks at you. If she keeps looking at you, she just might like you

2. If she flirts with you too much, she probably likes you. Girls might flirt with you just for the fun of it, and it can be misunderstood as a crush. Watch out for girls who flirt.

3. If she acts weird when you come near her, she might like you. Watch her behavior when you are talking to her.

4. If she wants to pair you up with someone or says "I know who likes you," then she probably likes you.

5. If she constantly tries to get close to you or touches you, she probably likes you.

6. If she turns red when you come near her or when you talk to her, that means she likes you.

7. She might ask you a few questions that might make you uncomfortable, for example if she asks if you ever had a girlfriend or have you ever been on a date, she might like you.

8. Make friends with her close friends. They might say something about her liking you. Talk and flirt a little with them. If she gets mad for flirting with other people, then you know she likes you.

9. Start a small conversation with her and her friends. Try to notice these things:

- If she keeps trying to get close to you or tries to hold your hand, she likes you
- If she is confident, they will match your voice tone and will act like she does with her friends
- If she is shy, her voice tone might be a little higher or lower depending on what she acts like. She might smile and laugh nervously at your jokes. She will probably start playing with her hair.

10. If she says she likes you, then she likes you!

Tips

- Be yourself. You don't want to start acting like someone else, because she may start to lose interest in you.

- She might be looking at you while your not looking, so keep an eye out for her.

- If you know a girl likes you, try talking to her and be nice.

- Try starting nice conversations.

- Compliment her. Girls like being complemented.

- Girls love good smelling people. So try to smell nice and use cologne.

4 Steps To: Improving Your Looks

By Brandon Dyce

Stress Management Specialist

Every so often, our looks require some attention. We men can become slouchy, slovenly and just plain lazy when it comes to maintaining a consistent dapper appearance, but we mustn’t let things get too far out of hand. From time to time, it’s necessary to assess the situation and make some immediate improvements. Plus, some occasions even mandate one to pay special attention to the way he looks -- like just before a date, a big interview or an important meeting. And sometimes, on a random day, men find themselves feeling portly and disheveled, and desiring a change.

So, the next time you need sprucing up, follow these four simple steps -- which take less than 60 minutes combined -- to improve your looks.

step 1
Exercise for 30 minutes

The process of improving your looks starts with a 30-minute workout. Head out for a jog, hit the gym or, if pressed for time, exercise at home. And if 30 minutes sounds futile to you, rest assured it’s not. A half-hour workout is all it takes to get the blood flowing and oxygenated, eventually leading your body to release the negative energy clouding your mind. The real beauty here is the long- and short-term effects exercise has on improving your looks. Over time, regular 30-minute routines provide actual results that enhance your overall health and appearance; the instant gratification, though, comes in the form of bolstered self-esteem. At the end of the workout, your confidence levels will be back up -- and shining through -- as you realize that you are, in fact, a force to be reckoned with. Your mind will be clear(er), and you’ll be ready to hit the shower… and take on the next step.

step 2
Remove excess hair

With the mind and spirit restored, the focus shifts to the body… and body hair. In improving your looks, turn your attention to removing any excess hair. While each of us has different facial features to highlight and tend to, one commonality we all share is facial hair. Of course, to upgrade your appearance, you’ll want either a close, clean shave or a meticulous once-over with the beard trimmer, but don’t stop there. Spend some dedicated time with your face in the mirror, examining your eyebrows, nose, sideburns, and hair. Noticeable stray hairs in these areas are unsightly, so remove them. You can tweeze, trim or cut, but the important thing is to weed them out. In the end, attending to excess hair demonstrates your penchant for the tiniest details, not to mention it enhances your looks by 1 million percent.

step 3
Iron your clothes

At this point, things are taking shape: You’re feeling good about your physique, and you’re perfectly groomed, but now you’re faced with choosing the right outfit. And regardless of your selection, to truly improve your looks, the choice must undergo an iron. For us guys, this step usually confounds us with its complex, time-consuming processes, so we usually skip it. But that has to change. Though the situation dictates the appropriate attire, each component of the outfit must be perfectly pressed. (Never was there a sharp-dressed man whose entire ensemble didn’t showcase crisp creases and sport a starchy finish.) Thoroughly ironed clothes not only polish up and refine your overall appearance, but also add swagger to your step as they boost your self-confidence and pride.

step 4

Wear a white shirt

While carefully pulling together your outfit -- be it casual, dress, or formal -- there is one last universal choice guaranteed to improve your looks: Wear a white shirt. Simple, yes -- but a pure white oxford shirt is the patriarch of classic style. No matter the occasion, a well-made, cleanly ironed, white shirt brings an elegant, timeless feel to any outfit and any guy. It’s your ace-in-the-hole, sure to evoke a sense of both grace and fortitude. And once it’s on, you’ll immediately discover just how perfectly a white shirt suits you. Improving your looks is a process, for sure, but the last step is -- and will forever remain -- wearing a white shirt.

Top 10: Secrets To A Great First Kiss

By David DeAngelo

Most guys just don't realize how important that first kiss is to woman. Well, this should give you an idea: When you kiss a woman for the first time, she decides right then and there if she ever wants to kiss you again. Use these 10 tips to be sure you always leave her begging for more.

Number 10

Do it in private

Privacy is key. A big mistake that too many guys make is going for a kiss in the wrong situation. Women want that first kiss to be special, and they'd prefer to share the moment with you and you alone. So if you're out somewhere social and you feel like the time is right, take her to a back room or, even better, to a completely different, more personal location.

Number 9

Know when to pull out

There's no better way to let her know that you're a catch than by being the first to call it quits. Most guys go for the gold on the first kiss... and they rarely end up getting it. By being the one to slow down, you'll show her that you're in control... and most importantly, you'll leave her dying for more.

Number 8

Feel her out

When you feel the moment is right, reach over and touch her hair while you're talking and make a comment about it. Say, "Your hair looks so soft," and lightly touch the tips of it. If she smiles, reach back over and start stroking it again, but this time shift your glance between her lips and her eyes a couple of times. If she lets you keep touching her hair, you know that she's ready to be kissed.

Number 7

Be a tease

Newsflash: There's nothing that women love more than to be teased, so let her know who's in control by driving her crazy with your lips. Go in like you're going to kiss her, then at the very last second, pull away and flash her a mischievous grin. Use this sparingly to keep her turned on and on her toes.

Number 6

Ease into it

Still feeling a little nervous about going in for the kill? Ease into it by leaning in and smelling her neck. Take a big sniff and say, "Mmm... you smell good." Then slowly brush your nose and cheek along hers as you pull your head back to make eye contact with her. When your eyes lock, close them and go for it.

Number 5

Show some passion

Every woman longs to be ravished, so why not make her fantasy come true? As you're kissing her, reach back behind her and pull her head back by gently grabbing the hair right above her neck. Slowly kiss your way down her neck and give her a playful bite, then pull back slightly and breathe heavily on her neck and in her ear. Make sure your pants are securely fastened, because at this point she'll be trying her hardest to take them off!

Number 4

Dip her down

If the mood is right, add some sensuality and chivalry to your first kiss by gently dipping her down, ballroom-style. There's no better way to make her feel like she's with a powerful and confident man. Do it right, and she'll never forget the moment.

Number 3

Use your hands

Women love to be caressed, especially while they're being kissed. Starting above her ear, run your fingers through her hair, down to her neck and all the way down her back. Then slowly slide your hand back up again. Use both hands, and alternate between using your whole hand and just the tips of your fingers to give her an experience she won't soon forget.

Number 2

Spice it up

Once initial contact has been made, spice it up a bit with some variety. Move from short, soft kisses into longer, deeper ones, then back again... and don't use your tongue any more than she does. Change the angle by moving your head to the other side, and alternate between sucking on her lower and upper lip. Be sure to stop to breathe after every few kisses. These little moves will let her know that you know exactly what you're doing.

Number 1

Explore her body

When you're ready to really turn up the heat, kiss her on her neck and move your lips slowly up to her earlobes and give a light nibble. Don't be surprised when she starts breathing heavily.

Make that kiss memorable

With all these tips handy, you'll now be equipped to make that first kiss unforgettable. Remember to stay calm and kiss her in a way that'll be memorable.